Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I'm lazy.

Yet another confession from me.

I hate cleaning the house and resent the time it takes, so I have a cleaner.

I got her from Rebecca, we share her or rather we both use the same person (my house is neither so big nor so dirty that I need her to be here half the week...)

Anyway, Larissa is Latvian and as mad as a box of frogs. This, as a possible blog subject has been teasing me for a while but I think I* now have enough anecdotes to entertain you....

  • Larissa HATES Germans (prefers to clean for foreigners - probably because we're not as anal or bossy as your typical German Hausfrau) but continues to live here
  • she complains that my windows are dirty (errrr, if they were clean I wouldn't need you...)
  • hates my dog (he's big and smelly and hairy and frequently wet from lying in the river) but when she found out how much I paid for kennelling suggested that she could look after him next time....maybe not
  • doesn't seem to understand the concept of dusting, left her a note yesterday (as I'd be out when she arrived) asking her to dust more thoroughly (!) and mentioned 2 areas that she always overlooks, so she did one of them, at the expense of the rest of the bedroom dusting and completely ignored the other.
  • threatens to cut off Oscar's nose if he rubs it on the it makes the window dirty, and has twice given Rebecca the number for a dog barber because she feels his coat is too long & he sheds too much, R has tried pointing out that the hair will still fall out but just be shorter...
  • claims to be allergic to the noise of my Dyson and dust and vacuum exhaust.
  • used to frequently claim to have visibly lost weight after an exercise class/long walk - we haven't had to suffer that one recently as she's pregnant!
  • always asks how much something new cost, and then tuts loudly at the cost (despite the fact that we've already altered the cost to factor in the Larissa effect)
  • refuses to drink out of grey or black cups, let alone eat off crockery with rodents on it (Beatrix Potter)
  • likes to take complete care of Rebecca's plants, telling her to leave them in her care and then killing one because she didn't like it.
  • will always point out that you've gained weight (in her opinion)
  • refuses to use my new Dyson because it is too noisy (no noisier than the old one) and too heavy and awkward (I have the skinniest arms and yet I can haul the thing around no problem) she would rather I'd bought a German branded hoover, although she declares everything German to be either 'mist' or 'schei├če'**. The German one that Rebecca got as requested is declared too big and too heavy
  • another friend who has his appartment cleaned when he's back in the UK at weekends returned to find she'd reorganised his drawers
  • open shelving was reorganised for Rebecca, to make it more aesthetically pleasing, never mind the fact that Rebecca can no longer reach the tea and coffee jars as they've been relocated to a top shelf and she told Rebecca that her organistion was rubbish and if she didn't like the new order then she could put it back herself.
  • reorganised my cupboard where all my baking supplies are kept, couldn't find a damn thing afterwards
  • 3 year old Thomas was requested to carry the bucket and mop upstairs, fetch her mobile, bring the cleaning chemicals, give her a kiss...
  • Jas should be drinking the water that rice has been boiled in, in order to recover quicker from sickness
  • I gave her a skirt of mine that I had decided was too young for me, the following week she informed me that I was bigger than she'd thought as the skirt had been too big around the waist for her. I didn't take that lying down - I stood next to her and pointed out that I'm at least a foot taller and therefore entitled to be a size 10 thank you very much - last time she gets a clothes donation from me
  • commented recently how pale and tired and I looked (looking after a vomiting child or two will have that effect) so I countered with the fact that I had no make-up on
  • if the liquid soap or washing up liquid is almost finished she tops them up with water...drives me insane, so I hide them...left her a note about that too & she had the nerve to argue that she doesn't do it...
  • will spot something new in the house and if it's a replacement she asks what's happening to the old one, have starting lying about this, not because I don't want anyone to benefit from my castoffs but because she complains about them so much afterwards...the computer that had no software, the skirt that didn't fit and so on
As I mentioned, Larissa is pregnant with the baby due in 2-3 weeks, she's 'working' up to the end because she pays no tax, no medical insurance etc. etc. I don't know how she thinks she's going to get on after the baby is born but there's no way she's toting it around my house while she cleans, I'm not being callous but is that any way for a child's life to start?

*please bear in mind that while all these stories are true some come via Rebecca
** see word of the day

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